Marriage Articles 
Marrying a girl against my parents’ will
In addition to Zawaj.com, I am also the founder and manager of several other Islamic websites, including IslamicAnswers.com, which is a website dedicated to providing common-sense advice on marriage and family issues in Islam.
I’ve been answering questions about Islamic marriage issues for eleven years. In that time, I have seen certain types of questions come up over and over again. In fact, I would say there are about twenty basic questions that come up repeatedly in various forms.
One of the most common questions is from young people who want to get married but cannot because their parents will not allow it. Often the reasons for their parents refusal are un-Islamic or trivial:
- The boy is the wrong nationality
- The girl is from the wrong social class
- The parents of the groom said some words that the bride’s parents did not like
- The groom’s family is not paying enough of a dowry
- The bride is a convert
- The groom is divorced
- etetera, etcetera.
These are all petty reasons that have nothing to do with Islam.
In fact the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) instructed us that if a person of good character comes seeking our daughter’s hand, we should accept him, otherwise the earth will be filled with corruption. He did not mention nationality, tribe, social status, wealth, or other superficial criteria.
So what does a young man do in this situation, when he has found a girl with good character for marriage, but his parents refuse for bad reasons? Can he marry her anyway? Or shall his life and happiness be held hostage to the petty whims of his parents?
Below is an answer to this question from the scholars of IslamOnline.net:
- Wael Abdelgawad, Zawaj.com Editor
Date: 17/February/2009
Name of Mufti: Ahmad Kutty
Topic: Marrying a girl against my parents’ will
Name of Questioner: Ahmad
Question: Respected scholars, as-salamu `alaykum. I have a problem; I need your guidance in light of Islamic teachings. My parents did an engagement for me to their best friend’s daughter. After the engagement, I started talking with her on the Internet and on the phone. But now, after two years, my parents broke the engagement because of minor things, like “girl’s family didn’t give respect to us as expected in our culture” and “they are not willing to give more things injahaz (gifts for the bride while sending her away).”
They are now telling me not to marry the girl. The girl’s parents asked forgiveness for whatever mistakes they may have made, but my parents are not willing to accept their apology. As I liked this girl and we have agreed to marry, am I doing anything wrong if I am still to go ahead with the marriage, even though my parents do not approve of it? Isn’t it wrong for me to break my engagement? Please guide me.Jazakum Allahu khayran.
Answer:
Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.
Dear brother, we would like to thank you for the confidence you placed in us, and we implore Almighty Allah so that He may help us serve His cause and render our work for His sake.
First of all, if you truly believe that this girl can be a good Muslim wife, then you have to do your best in convincing your parents that you have a genuine desire to marry her. However, if your parents insist on their refusal without valid reasons, then you have the right to go on and marry this girl.
In his response to your question, Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, senior lecturer and Islamic scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto, Canada, stated,
If the girl you have been engaged to did not violate any of the Islamic rules or principles, then you are allowed to go ahead with the proposed marriage, even if your parents wish to break it, especially if their reasons for doing so are not based on grounds that are reasonable and valid according to the rules of Shari`ah.
Material considerations cannot be used as an excuse for breaking an engagement. As Muslims, we are bound by our words and promises. Almighty Allah describes true believers as those [Who are keepers of their trusts and their covenant.] (Al-Mu’minun 23:8); and therefore, Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) considered breaking one’s promise as one of the signs of a hypocrite, which every Muslim must avoid. So, you need not break the engagement; rather, you can go ahead with it.
But, having said this, however, I must rush to add that you have no right to cut off your relations with your parents on account of this action. You should rather try to exhaust all means at your disposal to make your parents understand your viewpoint and to persuade them to change their mind. You may also try to use the influence of elders or knowledgeable people that your parents respect to convince them of their mistake.
If they still persist in their attitude, then you have the right to go ahead and marry the girl. But I must still point out that you should never spare any effort in pleasing your parents in every possible way. You should also keep on praying to Allah for mercy and guidance for them.
- IslamOnline.net
Why a Muslim Woman Is Not Allowed to Marry a Non-Muslim Man
“If a Muslim man can marry a Christian or Jewish woman, then why can’t a Muslim woman marry a non-Muslim man?”
This question is often asked, and before we even get into any explanations of why this is allowed not not allowed, I want to say that for us Muslims, the bottom line is, are we willing to submit to Allah or not? Do we recognize that Allah is infinitely wiser than us, that He knows our inner natures, that He loves us and legislates for us in a way to make our lives easier? Do we believe in the Quran as the revelation of Allah? Do we believe in the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) as the final Messenger? If the answers to these questions are yes, then we first must say, “I hear and I obey.”
Only after that can we ask for an explanation, not with the intention of challenging Allah, but with the desire to strengthen our faith, and see the beauty and wisdom in it.
There are many questions that are asked by those who wish to challenge the rules of Islam regarding marriage to non-Muslim men. Some of them are:
- What if the man agrees to raise the children as Muslims?
- What if the couple do not intend to have children?
- What if the man agrees not to stop the woman from practicing Islam?
- What if the woman is the dominant one in the relationship, or both are equal?
To each of these questions there are clear and obvious answers, and I have answered all of them at some point on our sister website, http://www.IslamicAnswers.com. But I’ll try Insha’Allah to put together a comprehensive article on the subject. Let me also point out that Muslim men must think very carefully about marrying non-Muslim women, and make sure that what they are doing is not haram. It’s not as simple as they may think. For more about that, see Muslim Men in the West Should Think Carefully Before Marrying Outside the Faith.
- Wael Abdelgawad, Zawaj.com Editor
Here is a fatwa on the subject from the scholars of IslamOnline.net:
| Date: 28/September/2003
Name of Mufti: Yusuf Al-Qaradawi, Muhammad `Ali Al-Hanooti Topic: Why a Muslim Woman Cannot Marry a Non-Muslim Man Name of Questioner: Zenab Question: Dear Sheikhs, As-Salamu `alaykum. I would like to know why a woman is not allowed to marry a non-Muslim man while a Muslim man can marry a Jewish or Christian lady? What is the wisdom of that? Jazakum Allah khayran. |
Answer:
Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.
Dear sister in Islam, we would like to thank you for the great confidence you place in us, and we implore Allah Almighty to help us serve His cause and render our work for His Sake.
First of all, it is to be stressed that Islam does not encourage the interfaith marriages. The general rule of Islam is that Muslims should marry Muslims. A Muslim male or female should not marry a non-Muslim male or female. The only exception is given to Muslim men who are allowed to marry the chaste girls from among the People of the Book.
A happy Muslim family. The general rule is that Muslims (men or women) should marry Muslims, not because non-Muslims are bad people or inferior, but because Muslims can support each other in the practice of their religion.
However, a Muslim woman is better suited to a Muslim man than a woman of Christian or Jewish faith, regardless of her merits. This is because marriage is not based on fulfilling one’s sexual desires; rather, it is an institution. It aims to establish a home on the bases of tranquility, faith and Islamic morals. To fulfil this task, the whole family must apply Allah’s course and try to convey His message.
It is obvious that Islam made it impermissible for a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim with aim of keeping her away from things that may jeopardize her faith. In fact, Islam aims at protecting religion. To achieve this goal, it prohibits a Muslim from being involved in something that represents a threat to his religion. A Muslim woman will not feel that her religion is secure while being with a Jewish or a Christian husband especially as the majority of the People of the Book do not show due respect to our Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him).
Allah Almighty says: “And the Jews will not be pleased with thee, nor will the Christians, till thou follow their creed. Say: Lo! The guidance of Allah (Himself) is Guidance. And if thou shouldst follow their desires after the knowledge which hath come unto thee, then wouldst thou have from Allah no protecting friend nor helper.” (Al-Baqarah: 120)
Given the fact that the husband is generally the head of the household, it’s not far-fetched for a non-Muslim husband to prevent his Muslim wife from performing some Islamic rituals which may seem a nuisance to him, for example fasting, or even refraining from marital relations during the fast. As a result, he might force her to change her religion, and if she refuses, the situation may culminate in divorce.
As for why Islam allows a Muslim man to marry a Christian or Jewish woman, it’s clear that every Muslim believes in Moses and Jesus (peace be upon them) and he holds all the Prophets of Allah in high esteem. Thus a Muslim finds no harm in his wife’s being a Christian or a Jew, for the spirit of tolerance Islam holds for other religions is ingrained in him.
In his response to the question you raised, the eminent Muslim scholar, Sheikh Muhammad Al-Hanooti, member of the North American Fiqh Council, states:
“If Allah is the one who prohibits a Muslim woman from marrying a non-Muslim, then we as Muslims are supposed to believe it and to take it. As a matter of faith, you cannot become a Muslim unless you accept everything when it is ordained by Allah or carried out by his Messenger. The Qur’an says, “O Ye who believe! Put not yourselves forward before Allah and His Messenger…” (Al-Hujurat: )
If you ask about the benefits of not marrying a non-Muslim, we can count you many reasons. A man is the manager of his household. He will persecute his Muslim wife in many dos and don’ts. She can hardly guarantee that kind of operation. Moreover, marriage is an institution for elevating our levels of having a good Islamic life. Pleasing Allah is our number one goal. If a woman is married to a non-Muslim, maybe the only thing she will accomplish in her marital life is what is good for livestock.”
Shedding more light on the question, we’d like to cite the words of the eminent Muslim scholar, Sheik Yusuf Al-Qaradawi, in his well-known book, The Lawful and the Prohibited in Islam:
“It is haram for a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim man, regardless of whether he is of the People of the Book or not. We have already mentioned the saying of Allah, “…and do not marry (your girls) to idolaters until they believe…” (Al-Baqarah: 221)
And He said concerning the immigrant Muslim women: “Then if you know them to be Believers, do not send them back to the unbelievers. They are not lawful for them (as wives), nor are they lawful for them (as husbands).” (Al-Mumtahanah: 10)
No text exists which makes exceptions for the People of the Book. Hence, on the basis of the above verses, there is a consensus among Muslims concerning this prohibition.
Thus, while a Muslim man is permitted to marry a Christian or Jewish woman, a Muslim woman is not allowed to marry a Christian or Jewish man. There are many sound reasons for this difference. First, the man is the head of the household, the one who maintains the family, and he is responsible for his wife. And while Islam guarantees freedom of belief and practice to the Christian or Jewish wife of a Muslim, safeguarding her rights according to her own faith, other religions, such as Judaism and Christianity, do not guarantee the wife of a different faith freedom of belief and practice, nor do they safeguard her rights. Since this is the case, how can Islam take chances on the future of its daughters by giving them into the hands of people who neither honor their religion nor are concerned to protect their rights?
A marriage between a man and woman of different faiths can be based only on the husband’s respect for his wife’s beliefs; otherwise a good relationship can never develop. Now, the Muslim believes that both Judaism and Christianity originated in divine revelation, although later distortions were introduced into them. He also believes that God revealed the Tawrah to Moses and the Injeel to Jesus, and that both Moses and Jesus (peace be on them) were among the Messengers of Allah who were distinguished by their steadfast determination. Accordingly, the Christian or Jewish wife of a Muslim lives under the protection of a man who respects the basic tenets of her faith, her Scripture, and her Prophets, while in contrast to this the Jew or Christian recognizes neither the Divine origin of Islam, its Book, or its Prophet (peace be on him).
How then could a Muslim woman live with such a man, while her religion requires of her the observance of certain worships, duties, and obligations, as well as certain prohibitions. It would be impossible for the Muslim woman to retain her respect for her beliefs as well as to practice her religion properly if she were opposed in this regard by the master of the house at every step.
It will be realized from this that Islam is consistent with itself in prohibiting the Muslim man to marry a mushrik (polytheist) woman, for since Islam is absolutely opposed to shirk (polytheism), it would obviously be impossible for two such people to live together in harmony and love.”
- IslamOnline.net
Ruling on Triple Divorce
What is the ruling on so-called “triple talaq”, in which a husband makes three successive statements of divorce at one time, intending thereby to divorce his wife irrevocably?
Does it really count as three divorces, making the divorce instant and irrevocable, with no ‘iddah (waiting period) and no opportunity for reconciliation?
Or does it only count as one divorce?
Scholars have held different opinions on this matter. The majority of scholars have ruled that it does indeed count as three irrevocable divorces.
A minority of scholars, including Ibn Taymiyyah, Ibn al-Qayyim, were of the opinion that it counts only as one pronouncement of divorce.
Read below for more details on these rulings, and the evidence and reasoning behind them.
| Date: 05/August/2004
Name of Mufti: Group of Muftis Topic: Ruling on Triple Divorce Name of Questioner: Hassan from Nigeria Question: Dear scholars, As-Salamu `alaykum. What is the ruling on triple divorce? Should the divorce pronounced three times in succession be counted as one or three divorces? Jazakum Allah khayran. |
Answer:
Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.
Dear brother in Islam, we would like to thank you for the great confidence you place in us, and we implore Allah Almighty to help us serve His cause and render our work for His Sake.
First of all, it is to be stated that Muslims who utter three divorce pronouncements at one time or in one statement are rebels against Allah’s law and are deviating from the straight path of Islam.
In his well-known book, “The Lawful and the Prohibited in Islam”, Sheikh Yusuf Al-Qaradawi states:
“The Muslim is allowed three chances, that is to say, three pronouncements or acts of divorce on three different occasions provided that each divorce is pronounced during the time when the wife is in the period of purity and he has had no intercourse with her.
Those Muslims who utter three divorce pronouncements at one time or in one statement are rebels against Allah’s law and are deviating from the straight path of Islam. Once the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) was informed about a man who had pronounced three divorces at one time, he got up in anger, saying: “Is sport being made of the Book of Allah while I am (yet) among you?” (Reported by an-Nasa’i)”
As for the ruling on the triple divorce and whether it is counted as one divorce or three, Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, a senior lecturer and an Islamic scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, states:
“There remains the question: Whether the triple divorce pronounced concurrently by the husband shall be considered as a single divorce or three separate divorces. If it is considered as three separate divorces, then the couple cannot be married again unless someone else has married the woman, and he has, on his own free will, divorced her.
According to scholars such as Ibn Taymiyyah and Ibn al-Qayyim, triple divorces that are pronounced concurrently shall be considered only as a single divorce. They base themselves on the evidence that it was treated by the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) as single divorce. It is further supported by other clear evidences from the Qur’an and the Sunnah.”
Excepted, with modifications, from: www.muslims.ca
Shedding more light on the issue, we’d like to cite the words of Sheikh Sayyed Sabiq in his well-known book, Fiqh As-Sunnah. He writes:
“Muslim scholars maintain that the one who divorces his wife three times in one occasion has committed a sin. It is reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) became very angry when he was informed that a man had divorced his wife by pronouncing it three times on one occasion.
However, jurists differ as to whether the divorce pronounced three times in succession is to be counted as one divorce pronouncement or three separate divorces. The majority of scholars state that if the husband pronounces the divorce of his wife three times on one occasion, it will be counted as three divorces. This is the opinion of many of the Prophet’s Companions, the majority of the successors, and the imams of the four schools of fiqh.
Other scholars including Ibn Taymiyyah, Ibn al-Qayyim are of the opinion that it should be counted as only one pronouncement of divorce. This is also reported by Ibn al-Munzir from `Ata’, Tawus, Ibn Dinar. Ibn Mughith also reported this opinion of `Ali ibn Abi Talib, Ibn Mas`ud, `Abdur-Rahman ibn `Awf, Az-Zubayr from among the Companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him).
They quote the following hadith in support of their view: “Ibn `Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him) reports that the (pronouncement) of three divorces during the lifetime of Allah’s Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) and that of Abu Bakr (may Allah be pleased with him) and two years of the caliphate of `Umar ibn Al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him) was treated as once. But `Umar ibn Al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him) said: “Verily the people have begun to hasten in the matter in which they are required to observe respite. So if we had imposed this upon them (i.e. regard the divorce pronounced three times in succession as irrevocable divorce, it would have deterred them from doing so)!” So he regarded it as such. This latter view is believed to be the most correct.”
- IslamOnline.net
Rights of Children Born Out of Wedlock
Okay, the photo is not directly related to the article, I just thought it was very funny, this baby who fell asleep on a shoe. - Zawaj.com Editor
| Date: 05/Aug/2003
Name of Mufti: Group of Muftis Topic: Rights of Children Born out of Wedlock Name of Questioner: A Muslim from USA Question: Dear scholars, As-Salamu `alaykum. I am a Muslim male convert from USA. I have two children from before I accepted Islam and they were both born out of wedlock in an unlawful relationship before I met my wife. Since accepting Islam I gained custodial rights over them but not custody. They live with me and my wife who also have two children and of course I care for and maintain them. I call them son (6) and daughter (5) and they call me father. My wife calls them step-son and daughter and they call her step-mother. I have learned that in Islam, children of zina are not ascribed to the father and that there is no parent/child rights between them. They are considered orphans and there is no term as step-parent. Having said all of this back ground info., my question is what are the relations between us according to Shari`ah? Should I allow them to know they are orphans? If their birth mother wants them back though she refuses acceptance of Islam should I allow them to leave my home to live with her? If I am not considered their father than what is our duty to them and them to us? Jazakum Allah khayran. |
Answer:
Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.
Dear brother in Islam, we commend your pursuit of knowledge and your keenness to seek what is lawful and avoid what is not. We earnestly implore Allah to bless your efforts in this honorable way.
First of all, it is to be stated that adultery and producing a child out of wedlock is indeed an enormous sin in Islam. However, a non-Muslim who embraces Islam should be assured of the promise of the Messenger of Allah who said,“Islam wipes out all of one’s past sins.” In other words, on becoming a Muslim every single sin you had committed in the past, no matter how enormous and ugly they were, will be blotted out, and thus once again you will become like a new born baby, and hence free of all sins. Furthermore, Allah’s infinite compassion is such that while, upon embracing Islam, you are absolved of all of your past sins, you carry over to Islam all of the good deeds you ever happened to do in the past: It is indeed a double mercy.
Secondly, as for the child born out of wedlock, like every other child, he or she is born sinless; it does not carry the stigma of the sin of the father or mother or both. A basic principle in Islamic justice is that no one bears the blame for another’s fault. A child born as a result of an illegitimate relationship suffers no adverse discrimination on account of his parents’ sin.
Responding to the question in point,Dr. Muzammil H. Siddiqi, former President of the Islamic Society of North America, states:
“The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said that Islam removes the sins of the past. Since you accepted Islam, Inshaa’Allah you will receive the forgiveness for your past sins.
Since you acknowledge that those children are yours, you are their father and they are your children. They are not orphans as long as you are alive. If you want to take care of them, then you should do that, but if their mother wants them, that is acceptable.
Most importantly, try to raise them as Muslims. Because this thing happened before Islam, these children will inherit from you if they are Muslims, but if they do not accept Islam, then they will not have the rights of inheritance from you. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said that a Muslim doesn’t inherit from a non-Muslim and a non-Muslim doesn’t inherit from a Muslim. However, you are allowed to give them a share from your will, which should not be more than 1/3 of your assets.”
In this respect, the prominent Muslim scholar, Sheikh Muhammad Iqbal Nadvi, Imam of Calgary Mosque, Alberta, Canada, and Former Professor at King Saud University, Riyad, Saudi Arabia, adds:
“The children born out of wedlock deserve all the care they need as children; thus you should provide them with all the requirements and elements to make them succeed in this life.
They are not responsible for the past deeds of their parents. However, the attribution of the child’s name to the father is based on the acceptance of the father. If he approves of it, then he/she can be named after him.”
- IslamOnline.net
Story: 30 Days of Carrying My Wife
This is a story that has circulated on the internet for some time. I don’t know the author. I found it to be sweet and touching. – Zawaj.com Editor
***
Carrying My Wife
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, “I’ve got something to tell you.”
She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking.
“I want a divorce.” I raised the topic calmly.
She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, “Why?”
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, “You are not a man!”
That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; I had lost my heart to a lovely girl called Dew, a woman at my work that I had developed feelings for. I didn’t love my wife anymore. I only pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement, which stated that she could own our house, 30% shares of my company and the car. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly.
Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce that had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that for that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into our bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door each morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Dew about my wife’s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. “No matter what tricks she tries, she has to face the divorce,” she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, saying, “Baba is holding Mama in his arms!” His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms.
She closed her eyes and said softly; “Don’t tell our son about the divorce.”
I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest.. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the every day workout made me stronger.
"Our son came in at the moment and said, 'Dad, its time to carry mum out.'"
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me; she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at that moment and said, “Dad, its time to carry mum out.” To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, “I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.”
I drove to the office and jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind… I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, “Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.”
She looked at me, astonished. Then touched my forehead. “Do you have a fever?” She said.
I moved her hand off my head. “Sorry, Dew,” I said, “I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death does us apart.”
Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote: “I’ll carry you out every morning until deaths do us apart.”
The small details of our lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, the property, and the bank balance that matters. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real and happy marriage!
One Question that Could Save Your Marriage
By Maria Zain freelance editor, writer – Malaysia
Some editing by Zawaj.com
(Zawaj.com Editor’s note: this article is written by a Muslim woman and is primarily directed at women, but all the advice written here can be applied to men as well).
“Who knew marriage could be so difficult?” asked Sara. “One day you’re this care-free woman, pretty selfish and self-indulgent. Next you have a roomie – and one that is supposed to share that room with you for the rest of your life!”
“We were living on top of each other,” she added,
“Everyone has disagreements – big and small – and we’re all supposed to handle them in some way or another.”
All married couples experience difficulties. Learning to disagree can be one of the hardest but most rewarding experiences in a marriage. Even more rewarding is resolving these disagreements and keeping unhappiness at bay.
Prolonged disagreements could mean there is a chronic problem between spouses, and could ultimately lead to unhappiness. Marriage counselors reveal that this unhappiness is sometimes caused by a one’s expectations of their spouse not being met.
But would you be surprised to learn that there is one key question that can go a long way toward solving hidden problems in a marriage, and aiding marriage communication?
“What Could I do to Make You Happy?”
If you are going through a rough patch with your spouse, and really want to solve the problem, try asking him or her:
“What could I do to make you happy?”
“When the counselor at the masjid asked me to ask my husband that question, I thought, ‘no way!’” exclaimed Maryam, an excited and expectant first time mother.
“I’m hormonal and vulnerable. I just hoped he’d shrug like he would normally do rather than say anything at all!”
Plenty of women find themselves in the same position as Maryam when dealing with answers to this question. Therefore, find a quiet moment, after the children have gone to bed, and living-in parents or other family members have vanished into their corners of their lives. Make sure both of you are relaxed and perhaps you could prepare two mugs of hot cocoa.
And the ambience helped Maryam:
“He was at surprised at the question, so I allowed myself to explain my feelings that led me to ask him about his happiness,” she said.
“He did need some coaxing to reveal his feelings so I kept it lighthearted, and showed that I really wanted to listen.”
It was difficult at first for Maryam, but she realized that there were not that many things that were causing a rift between them, and they could be easily resolved.
The key is to ask the question sincerely and calmly, with no resentment, and no defensiveness. Try to put your partner at ease, and then truly hear what he/she has to say. Don’t argue. Just listen.
Every husband is different so each scenario will be different, but here are some common issues that could hit familiar chords.
It Could be (the lack of) Your Sex Life
“Yes it was the lack of sex,” admitted Sara, working mother of three.
“I am actually surprised that he took this long to let me know because I was getting frustrated too. We were always busy, and when there was enough time to spend together, we would end up snoring within the first five minutes if we were lucky. Or we would be complaining about work or the kids, and ultimately end up bickering.”
Intimacy is not always easy to achieve especially in today’s busy world, but if it is lacking, it can set sirens off in your relationship.
“When he said he missed us as a couple before the children, we decided it was time to cut back on the working hours and spend more time with the kids. At the same time, we could also send them on playgroups without feeling too guilty (as if we were neglecting them).”
“That took a load off,” Sara said,
“We had more time to be together. Not just for sexual intimacy but to ‘date’. We could actually talk to each other without feeling grouchy or exhausted. It felt like we were newlyweds again, even if it was just for two hours a week – and then our son would then come back with a poopy nappy.”
Not everyone has the flexibility that Sara and her husband has. Sometimes it takes a little more planning. A weekend away from responsibilities or setting a new schedule for date night could just do the trick.
For Nadia it was a little more complicated.
“I had a bad birthing experience with my fifth child, and I had not realized it had affected me sexually until my husband brought it up.”
“He felt that I was holding back and was feeling ashamed of my body,” she said.
“That’s when I broke down and told him that I had felt humiliated during the last birth and no longer sexually attractive.”
“He was shocked,” she continued, “because he had no qualms about my physical appearance even though I had changed so much since before the babies started coming.”
Nadia’s husband arranged for her to meet with a psychiatrist on her own, and later they attended as a couple. After a few months it resolved the issue and Nadia realized that she too had been unhappy.
Other problems can affect sexual well-being, such as female-related infections. If you find that the lack of intimacy is affecting your marriage, then this is the time to work out the problem.
A healthy sex life revolves around a couple who actively look forward to intimacy and both enjoy it and get pleasure from it.
He Wants to Be the Man
“My parents always had high expectations of me,” said Sara, “… and for some reason this included climbing the corporate ladder and hiring a housekeeper to do the ‘woman’s’ jobs around the house.”
“They groomed me to be as good as the boys; en par with my brothers; and an equal breadwinner with my husband.”
Sara realized that though these were amiable traits, she was becoming more of an identical being of the household rather than a complementary one to her husband. At some point she was taking over a lot of responsibility that her husband would have liked to shoulder.
“He asked me: ‘if I wore a skirt and lip gloss, would that be okay with you?’ I did not need much convincing after that.”
If your husband feels that he is losing grip of his position as the head of the family, think about it – have you been trying to replicate his role, instead of assuming your important one as the consultant, advisor and nurturer of the family? Generally speaking, women have a lot to shoulder, without prying for the role of the alpha-male!
“So when I started to cut back on my work hours, I began to realize how fun it was to enjoy my children. I could also start grooming myself for the home… and the best thing is: I found nothing demeaning about it. I even wore a skirt once, and it really won me points. I guess he really wanted to be the person to wear the trousers around the house, and I had to respect that. I did, and I love being his consultant and advisor.”
Being feminine is not secondary to being a man – after all, beauty and elegance are what differentiate women from men.
“I am the only woman he is allowed to look at – I might as well make it a rewarding experience for him,” said Sara!
He Never Wants to Feel Abandoned
So, first he needs you to be feminine and beautiful, but he also needs the assurance that you will support him during the times he needs you most. Yes, men can be delightfully complex.
“While I was going through post-partum stress, my husband was shortchanged for a promotion – one he had been eyeing for three years,” recalled Nadia.
“I was so self-absorbed in trying to bond with my fifth baby, and getting over the birth stress. I never realized that he was going through a rough patch too.”
“While talking about his insecurities,” she said, “I realized how strong a woman I was, and how much he needed me. That experience helped me overcome my low self-esteem and post-partum depression and reconnect with the father of my five beautiful children.”
It takes a really big man to ask from help from the women he cares about the most; and who better to support him than his life partner, the person who he wishes to protect, and the woman who shares his home and children with.
He Needs to Know He is Appreciated
“Waheed was psyched up when he found out we were expecting. He bent over backwards with overtime, started piling on gifts for the baby, and bought me plenty of books on childcare.”
“Of course, I did not notice. I was too busy being pregnant myself.”
Maryam said she felt the world revolved around her to the extent that she could not be bothered with anyone else’s feelings.
“Hormones… blame it on the hormones!” she giggles, but when Waheed began to become distant in the second trimester, she felt suddenly alone and neglected.
“He said he was not sure if he would still exist after the baby came. I thought he was crazy, but after a while I knew he was right. I had never said ‘thank you’ to him for anything he had done. I just assumed he had to buy me all those gifts and buy the baby all the gear.”
“Tell him that you appreciate him,” advised Maryam. “Al-hamdu lillahI realize now. Who knows how bad the situation would have become if I had only realized after the baby came. We would have another roomie, who would only express dissatisfaction through screams!”
Finding Answers to His Answers
“It can be an eye-opener when a husband spills his insecurities to his wife,” said Sara. “It was for me!”
It can be harrowing pick up the pieces, but working on them can ultimately save your marriage. Of course if he says, “the house is never clean,” try not to scream at him. It definitely is not dissatisfaction in you, but maybe he just needs a few pointers on how the conversation is supposed to shape up. But set it aside as an afterthought, and work on ways to perhaps make the house a little more presentable if it really is in shambles.
If it is possible, check back with him in a few weeks, and ask him how he feels about your efforts.
“Try to point out a few examples of your efforts to give both of you a better picture,” said Maryam.
“We spent an evening going over a list of baby names. It was hilarious and at the same time very settling. Waheed finally said he felt like he was pregnant too. It’s a shame I can’t load off my water retention on him though.”
Of course satisfaction and dissatisfaction work both ways – and the good news is, so does communication. If there is something bothering you in your relationship, you also have the right to speak to him from the heart. Tell him about things that are making you unhappy in your relationship – and do this sincerely, rather than out of spite. Just because he points out a few things that makes him unhappy, it does not give you the license the gun him down with your own list of faults.
“Just because he is upset about a few things in your marriage,” says Nadia, “It does not mean that he does not love you. By the very fact that he wants to talk about them (even with a bit of probing) shows he genuinely wants to work his way out of the rut – and he really does care.”
And by the fact that you took the time to listen and work on his insecurities – it shows that you love him too. It just takes that one question to help you save your marriage – and it is that one question that will help both of you to achieve happiness, and rekindle the loving relationship both of you are vying for.
——————————-
Written for IslamOnline.net
Maria Zain is a freelance editor and writer living in Malaysia. While her evenings and nights are spent supporting different Muslim communities through her work, she shares her life with her husband and three busy little children below the age of five, whom she homeschools during the day.
Hugging People of the Opposite Sex
| Date: 13/Nov/2005
Name of Mufti: Ahmad Kutty Topic: Hugging the Opposite Sex Name of Questioner: Jewan from the Netherlands Question: Dear scholars, As-Salamu `alaykum. I am a teenager living in the west. I want to know whether things such as hugging fall under the sin of adultery or are they considered major sins. Jazakum Allah khayran. |
Answer:
Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.
Dear questioner, we would like to thank you for the great confidence you place in us, and we implore Allah Almighty to help us serve His cause and render our work for His Sake.
Islam has taken a firm and decisive stance againstzina(fornication or adultery). Allah, the Almighty, commands in explicit and unequivocal words: “And come not near unto adultery. Lo! it is an abomination and an evil way.“ (Al-Israa’ 17: 32)
Thus, Islam not only prohibits zina, but also closes all the avenues and means leading to it. This is achieved by prohibiting every step and means leading to stimulating desires, opening ways for illicit sexual relations between men and women, and promoting indecency and obscenity.
In his response to your question, Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, a senior lecturer and Islamic scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, states:
Your question shows your eagerness to know Islam’s position on a practice that is so prevalent among the youth today. You should know that, as a young man striving to hold on firmly to your religion, you belong to those who have been given glad tidings by the Messenger of Allah. Once you recognize Allah’s laws for what they are, namely, compassionate devices to save us from the wickedness inherent in our souls and not as burdensome laws, you would be much better prepared to follow them most scrupulously.
The laws of Allah are based on His infinite Mercy and Compassion. They take into account human weaknesses and failings. They are intended to save the largest number of people. These laws recognize the fact that humans are not always governed by their reason and rational mind; rather they are ruled by emotions and personal desire for instant gratifications. Were such emotions and feelings given a free rein, they would cause incalculable destruction to individuals and societies. So Almighty Allah, out of His sheer Compassion and mercy towards us, has prescribed laws that are intended to protect us against our nature.
So instead of merely telling us don’t fornicate, Allah tells us don’t go near fornication, for all humans, given their rational mind, will recognize the fact that fornication entails serious consequences for individuals and societies. No person in his sane, rational mind would think of committing that, but humans cannot control themselves once they are aroused or trapped in a situation where their emotional aspect dominates.
Therefore, Allah has set certain clear boundaries and limits for interaction between males and females. These include prohibition of all sorts of indiscriminate mingling and mixing between them, including hugging, kissing, touching, and flirting, etc. These things are forbidden not because everyone engaging in them will be committing adultery, but because they can all become leads, means, and preliminaries of fornication. Once allowed, they can become a slippery slope. How many have become victims of such activities?
So by trusting in Allah and surrendering to His will, you will enjoy true peace and tranquility. You will protect yourself against the pernicious tendencies of your own soul, and you will belong in the company of those who were given glad tidings by the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him):
“One of the seven categories of people who shall be accorded the protection in the shade of Allah (on the day of horror and terror) will be a person who brushed off the advances of a lady of status and beauty saying, ‘I fear Allah.’”
Excerpted, with slight modifications, from:www.islam.ca
Islamic Guidelines for Choosing Names
Reprinted from IslamOnline.net, Ask the Scholar
| Date: 18/Apr/2001
Name of Mufti: Yusuf Al-Qaradawi Topic: Islamic Guidelines for Choosing Names Name of Questioner: Shazia from Pakistan Question: As-Salamu `alaykum, could you please shed light on the Islamic guidelines in choosing names? In other words, what are the criteria to be followed by Muslim in choosing names? |
Answer:
Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.
Dear sister in Islam, we commend your keenness on getting your self well-acquainted with Islam and its teachings, and we implore Allah Almighty to help us serve His cause and render our work for His Sake.
Islam emphasizes that Muslims should have good names and give good names to their children. It is reported in a hadith that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “You will be called on the Day of Resurrection by your names and the names of your fathers, so have good names.” (Reported by Abu Dawud)
In the choice of names, we should follow certain guidelines as illustrated in the following fatwa issued by the eminent Muslim scholar, Sheikh Yusuf Al-Qaradawi:
“Islam does not oblige Muslims to choose specific names, Arab or non-Arab names, for their children, whether males or females. It is rather up to people to decide which names they would like to choose for their children.
However, selecting names should be pursuant to some Islamic rules:
1- To be a good name that is neither detestable by people nor to be rejected by the child himself, when he grows up. Such detestable names are like those which bear the meaning of bad omen, evil connotations, names of people known for their oppression and excessiveness, and so on. In this regard, we find that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) used to change bad names into good ones. For example, he changed the name of someone from “Qalilah” (A few) into “Kathirah” (A lot), and the name of another from “`Aasiyah” (Sinner) into “Jamilah” (Beautiful), and so on.
2- A Muslim should not call his son names such as, “`Abdul-Ka`abah”, “`Abdun-Nabi”, “`Abdul-Hussayn”, and such names that implies `Ubudiyyah (servitude) to others than Allah. Ibn Hazm said that naming children with names as such is, according to the consensus of Muslim scholars, prohibited, except the name of “`Abdul-Muttalib”.
3- A Muslim should not choose names that give an impression of pomposity and vainglory. This is supported by the hadith that reads, “The most detestable name for Allah in the Hereafter is that of a man who calls himself “King of All Kings”, for Allah is the Lord of the Kings.” (Reported by Al-Bukhari, Muslim, Abu Dawud, and At-Tirmidhi)
Muslims are also forbidden to name their children after the Finest Names of Allah, such as “Ar-Rahman (the Gracious), Al-Khalik (the Creator), etc.
It is also prohibited to use the Attributes of Allah with a definite article, such as “Al-`Aziz” (the All-Powerful) and “Al-Hakim” (the Most-Wise), as names. But they may be used without a definite article, e.g. “`Aziz” and “Hakim”.
4- It is a commendable thing to call children after the Prophets and righteous people, to keep them in memory, so as to take them as a guide and follow in their footsteps.
The best of such names are the names that show man’s humility before his Lord, as indicated by the hadith that reads, “The best names in Allah’s Sight are `Abdullah and `Abdur-Rahman.” (Reported by Muslim, Abu Dawud, At-Tirmidhi, and Ibn Majah)
The same applies to names that consist of two parts, of which the first “`Abd” and the second is one of the Finest Names of Allah, such as “`Abdul-`Alim”.
5- As for non-Arab names, there is nothing wrong in using them as names, so long as they bear good meanings in their language. Although the early Muslims were purely Arabs living in a pure Arab atmosphere, they found no harm in non-Arab names, as regards men and women. For example, “Mareyah” (the Mother of the Believers) who gave birth to Ibrahim, the son of Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) was known for her Coptic name.
Also, most of the names of early believers were linguistically names of plants, such as “Talhah”, “Salamah”, “Hanzalah”; names of animals and birds, such as “Asad”, “Saqr”; names of objects and parts of nature, like “Bahr”, “Jabal”; adjectives used as names, like “`Amir”, “Salim”; names of previous Prophets and righteous people, e.g. “Ibrahim” and “Yusuf”.
Thus, a Muslim should take into consideration such restrictions while choosing names for their children.”
Special Offers!
Special offers brought to you by Zawaj.com!
Every now and then, Zawaj.com sifts through the thousands of trial offers and freebies available on the internet to bring you some interesting special offers.
Insha’Allah you enjoyed the offers that you just viewed.
If you are in the USA and you would like to see the offers again, just reload the page.
In the future we’ll add some offers for readers from other countries, Insha’Allah.
Misyar Marriage: Legalized Promiscuity?
Riyadh Saudi Arabia, with the Al Faisaliah Hotel in the center
Zawaj.com Editor’s Note: I am against misyar marriage, as I think it is damaging to women and to the family, and robs women of the rights given to them by Islam.
In California, where I live, any contract that coerces someone to forfeit their rights under the law is invalid. That’s a good policy.
A Muslim woman with no resources and few options should never be asked to forfeit the rights that have been granted to her by Allah SWT.
I realize there are numerous social and economic reasons why this this has become a growing trend in parts of the Muslim world.
I believe we must address those reasons and create a climate where it is easy and encouraged for Muslims to marry in the normal Islamic way.
However, the opinions expressed in the article below (and the comments about “Wahhabis” etcetera) are those of the author alone, and do not necessarily express the views of Zawaj.com.
Misyar Marriage: Prohibition does not eliminate promiscuity
BY RAFIA ZAKARIA, APRIL 5, 2010, altmuslimah.com
A Guardian report, published in August 2009 regarding the prevalence of misyar marriage in Saudi Arabia, has generated much hubbub in the Muslim world. There are few religiously-sanctioned occasions for discussing issues concerning sexuality but it seems that in addressing this above topic the Saudis and their Wahhabi fans around the world have found one.
In simple terms, a misyar marriage is the Wahhabi (we will use the term Sunni from here on) counterpart of the Shi’a mutaamarriage. The misyar or “traveler’s” nikah is carried out through normal Sunni Muslim contractual procedures and involves a waiver of certain rights, predominantly by the wife.
Under misyar, the husband and wife retain their homes and arrange for visits for a certain number of nights. The husband relinquishes his right to unlimited sexual access (otherwise assumed in Saudi law) and housekeeping (since the wife does not live with him). The wife, predictably, gives up much more, including her right to the equal attention of the husband (in case of polygamy) and her right to maintenance or nafaqah and housing. In the event of children born to the union, custody goes to the father or his family after age seven.
Misyar is routinely presented as a pragmatic solution to sate the sexual appetites of men in a society where sexual promiscuity is strictly prohibited and even prosecuted through hadd punishments. The argument in favor of misyar normally runs along the following lines: misyar marriage allows those who are unable to provide a home or support a wife full-time an opportunity for female companionship, broadly interpreted.
The female beneficiaries of this “marriage lite” are supposedly the hapless spinsters, divorcees and other marginalized women who otherwise have no hope of male attention or companionship. Through this arrangement, they too can have a shot at marriage, though without most of the rights. Misyar, while socially unpalatable to Saudi jurisprudence because it showcases the centrality of male sexual appetites in Saudi culture, is presented as the low-budget alternative to traditional marriage, which appears to be reserved for virginal brides and rich men.
Misyar then is marriage for discarded women and economically unstable men. Instead of agonizing over the gender iniquities of a system that treats widows and divorcees as unworthy of marriages in which their rights and human dignity are respected, a “lower” form of marriage has been invented to allow them a chance at having some male companionship. The sociological aspects of the fact that these women continue to be marginalized and treated as unworthy are left unquestioned.
Further arguments for misyar marriages focus on their legal defensibility. Shaikh Yusuf Al Qaradawi, quoted in the Guardian report, instructs Muslims to look at such marriages as a “legal relationship between a man and a woman.” The Sheikh requests that a misyar marriage be evaluated on the grounds that it is a contract between a man and a woman that is sanctioned by religion in that the limited liabilities and duties of both parties are clearly stated by both and hence known to and agreed upon by both. This argument rests on the legal premise that when conditions of a contract are explicit, consented to by both parties and within the parameters set by the religion’s tenets, the ensuing contract is then rendered legitimate and binding.
Yet the irony of this line of reasoning is that the legal argument makes no mention of the completely unequal bargaining power of the two parties and the fact that the women have little power to insist on any condition being stipulated in the contract. The fact that a woman acquiesces to a marriage that provides her with fewer rights than those she would be entitled to otherwise, is a testament to her inferior bargaining power both as a contracting party and as a citizen within a patriarchal society. To argue that the contract should be evaluated entirely as a legal entity between two parties consensually coming to an agreement, is to ignore the very gender inequality that led to the creation of the legal instrument in the first place.
Some attention is due also to the moral aspects of misyar marriage. Strictly prohibitive societies like Saudi Arabia operate on the premise that if the state regulates all aspects of life, then the most repugnant moral failings will simply be eliminated. In other words, with the imposition of strict penalties against sexual promiscuity, short-term dalliances will be eliminated and society will be safely ensconced in marital bliss.
The existence of misyar marriages and the fact that they are being advertised on websites similar to western ones proposing sexual flirtations exposes the hollowness of the idea that prohibition eliminates the desire for promiscuity. In the case of Saudis, misyar marriages demonstrate that sexual promiscuity or the desire for “no strings attached” relationships has been far from stamped out. Instead, legal loopholes, under the sanction of faith, have been found to justify un-sated desires.
Finally, there are the tangible human costs of such legal loopholes that cater to male libidos and further subjugate women into destructive choices. In 2008, Saudi Arabia had nearly 200,000 widows most of whom received no support from their blood relatives. The requirement that they produce mahrams to provide them with permission to work and travel often forced them into misyar marriages for the sole purpose of obtaining livelihoods or permission to travel.
Relegated to periphery of society due to the personal tragedies, these women are victimized first by the widespread social denial of their inferiority and second by a legal fiction that uses their misery as a means for providing sexual gratification through a version of marriage that denies what few rights they would be provided with otherwise.
Spreading Bedroom Secrets
Reprinted from IslamOnline.net, Ask the Scholar
| Date: 04/July/2002
Name of Mufti: A group of Islamic researchers Topic: Divulging Bedroom Secrets Name of Questioner: Muslim brother Question: As-Salamu `Alaykum. Could you please enlighten me about the Islamic ruling concerning divulging one’s bedroom secrets in public? Some people find no shame in discussing such secrets in public. Is such a thing permissible in Islam? Please cite an evidence in support of your view. Jazakum Allahu Khayran. |
Answer:
Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.
Dear brother in Islam, thank you very much for having confidence in us, and we hope our efforts, which are purely for Allah’s Sake, meet your expectations.
In Islam, intimacy between the husband and his wife should always be viewed as something private that must not be subject to intrusion. Right to marital privacy is one of the rights Islam made inalienable to both man and woman. The Glorious Qur’an has alluded to this by stating that, “…They are raiment for you and ye are raiment for them…” (Al-Baqarah: 187)
Raiment or garment symbolizes physical protection. Likewise, a spouse is viewed this way, in the sense that each one of them owes the other the duty of protecting his secrets, in order to have a serene and comfortable marital life.
In his well known book‘The Lawful and the Prohibited in Islam’, the well known erudite scholar Sheikh Yusuf Al-Qaradawi, states the following:
“The Glorious Qur’an praises virtuous wives saying: “…Who are obedient, guarding in secret what Allah has guarded….” (An-Nisaa’: 34)
Among the secrets, which must be guarded, is the intimate relationship with the spouse. Discussing the secrets of such relationship in public or speaking about it to friends is not permitted. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) is reported to have said: “Among those who will occupy the worst position in the Sight of Allah on the Day of Resurrection is the man who has intercourse with his wife and then spreads her secret.” (Reported by Ahmad, Abu Dawud, and Al-Bazzar)
Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) is quoted to have said: Allah’s Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) led us in prayer, and when he had finished he turned toward us and said: “Remain seated. Is there among you one who comes to his wife, closes the door, and draws the curtain, and then goes out and speaks about it, saying, “I did this and I did that with my wife?” The men remained silent. Then he turned toward the women and asked,“Is there among you one who tells about such things?” A girl raised herself on her knees so that the Messenger of Allah could see her and listen to what she said. She said, “Yes, by Allah, the men talk about it and the women do, too.” Then the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “Do you know the similitude of those who do that? They are like a male and female devils who meet each other in the road and satisfy their desire with the people gazing at them.”
This emphatic way of expressing the matter should be sufficient to turn the Muslim away from such ill-considered and degraded behavior, which would make him or her resemble a devil!”
Moreover, we would like to cite for you the following:
The only exception to this rule would be when there is a necessary reason to reveal such details, for example to a medical professional. Some examples might be if the husband is having problems with impotence, or the wife finds intercourse painful, or the couple has difficulty conceiving, or they need advice on birth control, etc. In such cases the doctor may need to ask some questions about the couple’s sexual practices.
If you have any further comments, please don’t hesitate to write back!
May Allah guide you to the straight path, and guide you to that which pleases Him, Ameen.
-
Marrying a girl against my parents’ will
-
Why a Muslim Woman Is Not Allowed to Marry a Non-Muslim Man
-
Ruling on Triple Divorce
-
Rights of Children Born Out of Wedlock
-
Story: 30 Days of Carrying My Wife
-
One Question that Could Save Your Marriage
-
Hugging People of the Opposite Sex
-
Islamic Guidelines for Choosing Names
-
Special Offers!
-
Misyar Marriage: Legalized Promiscuity?
-
Spreading Bedroom Secrets
Loading ...
