Tag archive for ‘marriage in islam’
Marriage: Quest for Perfection or Search for Happiness?
A happy Muslim couple at Muslim Day in Atlanta
Marriage is ultimately a quest for peace and tranquility
By Imam Hamid Slimi
Finding someone for marriage is one of the most discussed topics among single people and specifically among our Muslim youth today since relationships between males and females in Islam are not considered right except through the ties of Nikah.
For those who have chosen to abide with the laws and principles of Islam and hold on to chastity and patience, marriage discussions are so fascinating, promising and one of the best outlets of relief. Young people who are struggling, dreaming or even fantasizing about a potential spouse (one they have in mind or hope to find) often do so because the romantic possibilities seem endless; they hope with abandon and trust in God to help them find that person.
“Falling in love”
Our eyes and minds are constantly bombarded with images and thoughts which bring new considerations and efface old ones. Today’s culture and environment have opened so many ways of communication between people that they have taken away the simplicity of life and the contentment which used to help us focus, set life priorities and most importantly understand that no one is perfect and therefore reasonable adjustments always need to be made. The more sophisticated we become the more we demand and expect from the others.
The universal expression of art, literature, movies and music has been very successful in convincing us that “happiness in marriage must start with a love story.” Thus, falling in love has become the “standard” for starting a married life. Consequently, the focus of many becomes the search for love, or the cliche – coup de foudre – when people, who by nature never like to fall, make the sole exception to willingly fall in the ocean of love.
Many want to experience what poets have been ruminating about, what stories and novels have been relating to us, what artists have been illustrating and playing to the world. “Falling in love” in the romantic language means experiencing perfection by tasting the ultimate sweetness that this earthly world can offer and achieving a sort of transcendence towards the ultimate uplifting physical and spiritual experience.
A quest for a perfect partner?
The question which comes to mind is: are those looking to get married on a quest for the perfect partner or on a search for a compatible partnership leading to happiness? We certainly cannot expect what we cannot give and since no one is perfect then why would someone expect perfection to be realized through a partnership made of imperfect beings?
Thinking that the other will be perfect and hence will make me happy and content is an illusion. In reality no one can make you happy and content except yourself and when you accept the fact that you cannot expect others to be perfect because you are not perfect either. In fact this quest for romantic perfection is entirely self-defeating. God Almighty says, “Lo! Allah does not change the condition of a folk until they (first) change by themselves that which is in their hearts;” (Chap. 13 V.11). Only once we let go of this romantic notion which is really a figment of our collective imaginations can we begin our quest towards happiness.
What is happiness?
The million dollar question: what is happiness? Happiness means amongst other things contentment, satisfaction, fulfilment, accomplishment and achievement which are almost linear in fashion. Therefore, if I achieve my goals then I should be happy. The Holy Qur’an states the goals of marriage in the following verse, “And among His signs is this: He created for you mates from yourselves that you might find rest and peace in them, and He ordained between you love and mercy. Lo! Herein indeed are portents for folk who reflect.” (Chap. 30 V. 31)
The goals here are rest, tranquility, peace of the mind and peace of the soul. This is why the sense of peace and harmony is a signal that creates that first acceptance of the other; the exchange of inexpressible signals that follow then grown from acceptance to become Mawaddah or spiritual love. Mawaddah has to be cultivated over time like a fruit-bearing tree; spiritual attachment is cemented by the spiritual enrichment and appreciation, which is unlike the physical desire driven by one’s biology that eventually decreases over time.
Components of a compatible personality
Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) taught a message of equality, uniformity and human brotherhood & sisterhood.
Having said all of this, Islam does recognize the fact that there should be a reasonable level of compatibility between a man and a woman over different aspects of life, mainly personality and faith. The components of a compatible personality used to be and to some degree still are one’s education, manners, perceptions, social upbringing and physical appearance to a certain extent.
As for ethnicity, race, culture, and lineage – these have nothing to do with compatibility since they tend to counter the message of equality, uniformity and human brotherhood stressed by the Qur’an and the Prophet (PBUH) – in fact these elements have always been the causes of division, conflict and even war.
High expectations and low preparation – a formula for divorce
However, even this notion of marriage compatibility has evolved in our days beyond character, reasonable education, etiquette, abilities and reasonable material establishment. Due to today’s economic pressures, compatibility for a large number of those on marriage quest means the full package that is a ‘romantic experience with a wealthy partner’ -or at least a person with ’stable’ income – and all the better if he or she looks like a prince or princess.
This has led to the unfortunate raising of standards to the degree which is far beyond acceptance and reasonable chemistry, hard work, a sense of responsibility and physical compatibility. The search for mutual compatibility – something that was relatively easy to find – has been replaced by high expectations and low preparation for marriage which according to recent statistics is one of the main causes of divorce today. The high divorce rate in both Muslim and non-Muslim communities have surpassed any historical records.
According to the Prophet (PBUH) marriage is something simple: “If someone with good character comes to you to propose for marriage and you feel pleased and satisfied with his religious beliefs and practices as well as his character (manners and personality), then you should marry him, otherwise there will be fitnah (tribulation and great evil) and big corruption on earth.” (Reported by Imam Tirmidhi and others) He also said, “Women are asked for marriage for four things: wealth, family status, beauty and the practice of faith. So you should marry the one with faith, otherwise you will lose more than you gain.” (Reported by Imam Bukhari and others).
Are we really following his advice or have we gone off the wrong track?
There are several considerations one must make when looking for a future spouse.
- Look for a person from whom you get a feeling of peace, tranquility and a sense of security. This is what matters the most and the rest is icing on the cake.
- For every man there is a right woman and for every woman there is a right man. You only need to look in the right place, the right way at the right time.
- Seek the help of God by praying for your marriage. Even Prophet Musa (Moses) prayed for personal peace and security and God immediately answered him when he said, “My Lord! I am needy of whatever good You send down for me.” (Chap 28 V.24)
- Seek help from those with experience and exposure. People will help you! Put your trust in Allah and in a few trusted people who care about you and would love to see you happy.
- Attend various Islamic gatherings at Islamic centers or in mosques and engage in appropriate (professional) conversation with the members of the opposite sex without being isolated with them.
- You can also correspond with potential mates through third-party Muslim marriage websites or advertising. Our methods of communication have changed and there is nothing wrong with that as long as the principle of professional conduct is maintained.
- In the time of the Prophet (PBUH) the Sahabah (his companions) used to meet people sometimes in his presence and sometimes in other circumstances. For instance, on a number of occasions women used to come presenting themselves as candidates for marriage and accordingly, some men would accept their proposal of marriage. The Sahabah were very simple and undemanding about choosing their partners so long as they fulfilled basic religious and character requirements.
Too many conditions
Is your marriage checklist too long?
In our society, generally speaking, we tend to put far too many conditions and requirements that are not essentials from an Islamic perspective in a marriage.
Islamically, the basic things we should consider are religion and character. All other requirements can be compromised on.
Young people have to stop chasing the notion of the perfect one and start looking for the peaceful one. Islam is based on peace and Allah Almighty constantly calls us to the house of peace. Marriage is about finding peace within oneself and with one’s spouse.
Ultimately, there is no one to blame for not finding a partner but oneself because as the Prophet (PBUH) said “Allah has taken it as a duty upon Himself to help the one who seeks Nikah.”
Originally published Tuesday, 06 May 2008
(FLN Magazine – Vol. 1 / Issue 1)
Marriage (Nikah) in Islam
"Love is a movement towards unity, towards oneness."
By Irshaad Hussain, Islam from Inside
When my younger sister got married I struggled to write a brief explanation about marriage in Islam, portraying it not simply from the legal (fiqh) standpoint, but from the profound view of marriage presented in the Qur’an and expressed practically in the lives of some of the best exemplars of the religion. This brief explanation was placed on a now long defunct website of mine (called “Tawil”) and subsequently reworked into a short speech read (years later) at my niece’s (my older sister’s daughter’s) wedding reception. The original text of that speech is lost (thanks to me losing my roughly scrawled notes), but what follows is a fairly close reconstruction (I think) of the original.
Marriage (Nikah) in Islam
So… marriage….What is it? What does the Qur’an say about it?
The Prophet (s.a.) was once asked, “What is more important than prayer?” He replied, “The spirit of prayer” – the spirit that animates the prayer. He was asked what is more important than fasting – he replied, the spirit of fasting. For each question concerning an Islamic practise the answer was the same – because the spirit brings the action to life and unfolds its potentials. Without this animating spirit, the prayer is only movement, and the fasting only hunger. But when spirit enters, when a pure and concentrated intention enters, the action is transformed – the prayer gains the potential to become a miraj (an elevating spiritual journey), and the one fasting approaches towards the potential to witness laylatul qadr (the night of destiny – a night when blessings from the spiritual world descend to this world).
So what is more important than marriage? It is the spirit of marriage, the intention which underlies it, the treasures which it contains hidden within it but which must be brought out and realized by the married couple themselves.
The qur’an provides the signposts and waymarks for learning about this potential. It says:
“It is He who created you from a single soul, And made its mate of like nature in order that you might dwell with her in love….” (7:189). So the male and female complete each other – together they make a single self and this is how they must strive to make their lives together – as if they are one being, one person, one spirit.
The Qur’an says: “Your wives are a garment for you, and you are a garment for them.” (2:187). So a husband and wife complete each other – each one takes on a new aspect of their humanity, a new facet and depth to their personality by entering into marriage and this is symbolized in this verse. Garments also conceal the body and protect the wearer so that a husband and wife are each other’s protectors and helpers and each of them safeguards their partner’s honor shaping the state of marriage into a haven and a sanctuary where each should feel safe and secure, sheltered in one another’s care and guardianship.
The qur’an also says “And of everything we created a pair, that happily you may remember.” (Qur’an 51:49) The word for spouse, “zawj”, (this is the word that is used in the marriage ceremony, the Nikah ceremony) – the word zawj literally means one part of a pair – and when the pair come together and act in concert with one another, then concealed potentials within them, potentials that were impossible to realize while they were apart make themselves evident. This is true throughout creation. And human marriage in the Qur’an is considered a reflection of a nature and tendency that exists at all levels of creation. When something is created as one part of a pair it is clearly incomplete without the other – as the Qur’an states, “He himself created the pair, male and female.” (Qur’an 53:45)
The term nikkah which is used for marriage is also used figuratively to describe the coming together of various aspects of creation. For example it says, in the Qur’an, that “the rain married the soil” and then it describes how, from this intimate mingling, something new springs forth – that the earth brings forth flowers and herbage, it opens to new creations, new life, new potentials. So the act of marriage, the mingling through nikah, according to Islam, courses through all things, through all of creation. Each pair of the marriage brings something necessary and something unique to the marriage. The pairs are not identical but complimentary to one another and their unique qualities when they are mingled together produce that which neither one alone could produce.
So each individual of the pair undergoes change and transformation when they come together in marriage because marriage is an intimate mingling of the selves, the souls, the personalities and the beings of two individuals.
In human marriage the change takes place at many levels – from a change in lifestyle, to changes in behavior, to changes in the very soul of the person. And there must be that willingness, on the part of both individuals, to allow this unifying transformation to take place. To accept the self the way it is, is to lock oneself into stagnation and narrowness and to remain an individual – not part of an intimately joined pair. It is to limit and lock up the potential, the beauty and strength that is capable of emerging from the intimate unity made possible through marriage.
Since “God created everything in pairs”, as it states in the Qur’an, and since He “created the male and the female from a single nature, from a single self”, it is God that is the point of reference for the married pair. “He has set up the balance…” of all things, so He is to be looked for to set all things in the right equilibrium. If the two partners of a marriage set themselves in correct relation to God then certainly a perfect balance will be realized within their lives together.
Love is a movement towards unity, towards oneness, and since God is One, “the closer the heart is to Oneness, the stronger the power of love is within it.”
Love is a movement towards unity, towards oneness. “God made their hearts familiar” (8:63) through the light of Oneness that yields spiritual love and familiarity in the heart. For love is the shadow of Oneness, familiarity the shadow of love, and balance the shadow of familiarity.”
Let this married couple be helpers and protectors of one another, let them be a refuge and a comfort to one another, let them be beautiful garments for one another, and let them together experience the many treasures and beauties of marriage.
The Benefits and Dangers of Marriage
An Australian Muslim couple. Islam recommends marriage because of its many benefits.
Reprinted from Ummah.com’s archives
Benefits of Marriage
The main benefits of marriage are:
- Seeking children.
- Marriage contributes to the building of society, propagation of the human race, and increasing the numbers of Muslims. Pleasing the Prophet (pbuh), by increasing the numbers of his followers. “Marry the loving and child-bearing, for I shall outnumber the nations by you on the Day of Resurrection.” (Ahmad. A similar narration has been recorded by al-Bayhaqi and al-Tabarani, and Hafiz ibn Hajar cited it in “al-Fath” indicating that it is hasan or sahih according to him)
- Seeking blessings through a righteous child through his Du’a and other good deeds on your behalf after your death, or should the child die young then through his intercession.
- “When the son of Adam dies, his good deeds come to an end, except from three [sources] : perennial charity (sadaqah jariyah), knowledge from which benefit is obtained, and a pious child who prays for him.” [Riyad al-Saliheen]
Other benefits are -
- Protection from Satan through legitimate channelling of the sex drive, thereby saving oneself and one’s spouse from related sins.
- Peace of mind and companionship, development of love and mercy between the spouses.
- Development of ties between families.
- Sharing of tasks in the household, such that the overall burden on each person is less.
- Inculcation of a sense of responsibility and improvement of one’s self through expending effort and making sacrifices for the protection and welfare of one’s family, taking care of their needs (physical, material, emotional, spiritual), and bearing inconveniences and each other’s faults patiently.
Dangers of Marriage
At the same time, there are potential dangers to marriage, which one must watch beware of and try to avoid.
Among them :
- Failure to earn halal income, such that one turns to increasing his income through haram means, in the effort to spend on one’s family.
- Failure to fulfil the duties of marriage, in particular the rights of the wife, or failure to be patient with its difficulties. “Every one of you is a guardian, and every one of you is liable to be questioned about those in his care. The man is a guardian with regard to his family, and is liable to be questioned about those in his care. The woman is a guardian with respect to her husband’s house, and is liable to be questioned about that in her care. So, every one of you is a guardian, and every one of you is liable to be questioned about those in his care.” (Bukhari, Muslim)
- Being distracted by one’s family from religious obligations, such that one spends his days and nights in enjoyment with them without caring to ponder over the Hereafter to work for it. “O you who believe! Let not your wealth or your children distract you from the remembrance of Allah. And whoever does that, they are the losers.” [Quran, 63:9]
Conclusion
“A dinar which you spend in the path of Allah, a dinar which you spend [to free] a slave, a dinar which you give as sadaqah to a needy person, and a dinar which you spend on your family : the most superior of these is the one which you spend on your family.”
Our Lord! Grant us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and makes us leaders for the pious. O Allah! Grant blessings and peace to our master Muhammad, and to his Household and Companions.
The Half and the Other Half: the Importance of Marriage in Islam
“Whoever has married has completed half of his religion; therefore, let him fear Allah in the other half.” (Hadith reported by al-Bayhaqi)
There are abundant Hadiths of the Prophet Muhammd (peace be upon him) instructing Muslims how to enjoin good and forbid evil. However, only a few of them instruct us with explicit numbers and proportions how to behave and lead our lives. For example, while Hadiths like taking care of one’s neighbours and sharing food with the poor people fall within the first general category, other Hadiths, like the amount of Zakat a financially able Muslim has to pay, fall within the specific numeral category.
The Hadith of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) that Marriage is half of the religion, should be understood within this context and proportionally consume half of our life to understand, reflect, and act upon.
More than Just a Ritual
The satisfactory completion of half of our duties, responsibilities, and purpose on earth, is NOT satisfied merely by going through the rituals of selecting a spouse, mating, and continuing the human progeny. While such acts are essentials, they are only prerequisites to the overall spirit of the Hadith.
As much as a wholesome fasting transcends the motions of abstaining from food, a nourishing marriage is the realisation of the importance and active participation of the Muslims in their matrimonial life. This would obviously include fulfilling the needs and obligations towards one’s spouse, children, and all those directly or indirectly related to the institution of marriage.
This Hadith draws the boundaries according to which Muslims prioritise, organise, and allocate their financial, emotional, and intellectual resources. On the Day of Judgement, every Muslim will present his/her portfolio to the Divine into two equal portions:
(1) The Marriage Portion
(2) The Everything Else Portion.
Assuming that most, if not every one of us, cannot score perfect on either of the two halves, both portions will need each other to score above 50% for a favourable result (InshaAllah). Since both halves are inter-dependent, no Muslim can reasonably consider focusing on one and neglect the other. Hence, as much as taking care of the marriage institution is important (50% of our time), attempting to favour it at the expense of the other side is, from a numerical viewpoint, a guaranteed recipe for a losing destiny.
May Allah help us balance matrimonial life and the rest of our obligations, and may He bless us to qualify for his Ayah:
“Thus have We made of you an Ummah justly balanced, that ye might be witnesses over the nations, and the Messenger a witness over yourselves.” 2:143
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Zawaj.com Editor’s Note: This article was reprinted from the Ummah.com archives, author unknown. It seems to me the author makes some unusual assumptions about the method of Allah’s Judgement. However, I thought the concept was interesting and worth presenting. Allah knows best.
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Marriage: Quest for Perfection or Search for Happiness?
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Marriage (Nikah) in Islam
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The Benefits and Dangers of Marriage
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The Half and the Other Half: the Importance of Marriage in Islam
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